posthumous

Its become a habit of mine to have a title with no association to things i'm going to write below. They're the ones that appear on my msn name (which changes almost everyday), so yeah don't expect anything from posthumous.


Actually, that's about all you have to read. I don't really like posting things in my other journal unless its really private, so the rest will stay here. Don't read if you don't want to, really.

______________________________________________


Two hours ago, I sat in my room thinking about stuff. My friends, studies, life, my future...practically everything. And once again, I got myself all stressed up, my mind unable to think...was for a good cause for once though.

When there's nobody on earth to count on, there's always your mom. I'm a believer of such thing called generation gap, but this gap is so big yet so small. Someway, somehow, she just manages to understand how I'm feeling and magically make me feel much better.



I'm insecure. Doesn't need to be here for you to understand aye? I worry about how people look at me, whether they like me or not, what will happen if I do something, what would happen if my friends all leave me, whether my house will collaspe, what if I suddenly fall ill..these kind of things that most people will roll their eyes at.

yeah, its stupid but thats me. Not the me I want to be, but I'm just like that. Not anymore, I hope. I whine and cry and make a fuss out of everything, sometimes I wonder if its irritating.


But I don't understand why most people think being emo, crying or whining is just a way to get others' sympathy and attention. its not insignificant, even if its done excessively. When I do stuff like these, the last thing I'll ask for is attention, actually. It makes your your tears flow even longer. I think I'm just searching for somebody to actually understand how I'm feeling and make me better by giving advice from their point of view. So people, the next time you see people crying or whining, just don't look at it from the outer most layer. Have a look inside, it'll be interesting to see what's happening. Maybe its bubbling or boiling or broken?

I'm not saying its not irritating, but just..stop thinking its fake and superficial. Its not. its just not.



Well anyway, my mom told me a story of how a mother asked her daughter to scoop up some sand in her hands and hold onto it very tightly when her daughter told her that her friends were all leaving her one by one. When she held on very tightly to them, they squeezed out from the gaps of her fingers and in not time, only a few grains were left. But when she let them rest gently on her hands, they stayed for a long time. There's something simple but meaningful behind this story. What I need is a more relaxed body, a more relaxed mind..


So what if the teachers mistaken me and think I have bad attitude in my studies just because I sleep in class? I'll study for the sake of myself, to pick up the perfect career given my freedom of choice if i were to fare well. Would my friends even hate me for making mistakes? Seriously emma, stop thinking too much its affecting your life. Turning it upside down. Stop whining and crying and being so sensitive towards everything, life's too wonderful for it to be wasted like that.


With that, I'm determined to try to not only live for others, but myself too. Worrying is stupid and useless.


My linguistic skills has its limits (loads of them) so my thoughts can't be conveyed properly right here, but there's not a need to. This post is merely for myself to understand, and if i ever commit the same mistakes in the future, I will hopefully find my way here and find a starting point once again.


There's something in me saying how great tomorrow will be.